Procession of the Dead

Ok, so I've been feeling really guilty about not posting, so I decided to cheat and look up an old review that I'd already done to try and relieve my conscience. I found a brief review (more of a synopsis really) I did of Procession of the Dead, which I have bought to book club, for the Calgary Herald around April 2008. YIKES! That's two years ago already! Do I pass?... (an apologies for the atrocious grammar in the above sentence. I'm tired, ok?)

When discussing it later, I think I may have been overly harsh in my critique of this book, as 'ol D.B.'s publicists tried to liken him to My Darling Gaiman, and D.B. should tell them not to do that, as no one can live up to Him. The book is worth a read, I guess...

Procession of the Dead

D.B. Shan

D.B. Shan's revision of his first book in The City Trilogy, Procession of the Dead, starts as a cliché yarn about wannabe-gangster Capac Raimi who comes to the city to find his fortune in the underworld. Quickly he is snapped up by The Cardinal, the nefarious kingpin of the city, and a fantastic story of mystical intrigue unfolds as a friend of Capac's goes missing and Capac discovers there's no evidence he ever existed. The mystery spurs him on in a quest to find out about inexplicable lapses in his own memories, and, in the process, he learns the unbelievable truth about how the Cardinal keeps his hold on the city. The story, told from Capac's point of view, is filled with colourful characters, imaginative details and a compelling storyline.

Generic fantasy writers unite!

So the other day I picked up a fantasy book, not going to mention names will probably review it later. And found a young man with a strange heritage he knew nothing about given some crazy quest with some magic talisman and a hearty band of travellers to help him through his hardships. Surprise surprise this band did not stay together for long and split up, leaving our hero with only his bestest friend for support. And I thought, this sounds familiar. And then it hit me, it was familiar. I have been reading variants of this book for years. So I decided to try my hand at writing a fantasy by drawing pieces of paper out of a hat to create my own story.

All words in bold are replaceable and were drawn out of a hat:

Our main character Steve was rudely taken from his budding career as a carpenter by a strange old man. He was given a powerful amulet that is the only weapon against Drollive a power and ancient wizard. Forced to flee his small village, Steve meets up with some friends, a bashful dwarf, an intrepid hunter and a claustrophobic elf. Of course Steve is also backed up by his best friend Lap who he has closeted homoerotic dreams about.

So off the merry travellers go. Steve has doubts about his ability to harness the amulet, but is reassured. Battles follow. People die. But luckily not our band of merry men. Off they plod on this very long journey and has been mentioned in another post all other methods of travel not being an option.

Unfortunately Steve and Lap are left to fend for themselves when the rest of the band are called away to fight an army of rabid mountain trolls. They toil alone until coming undetected to Drollive's lair, whereby Steve activates the amulet and destroys Drollive using and act of kindness. Everyone is saved and they all live happily ever after but are changed for the better by their experiences.

Hmm not bad, now I just need to flesh it out and I will be rich.
Don't get me wrong I love my fantasy and I am an avid reader. But the more you read the more you see this pattern start to repeat itself. That's why a unique fantasy is a rare find and I hope that some of these will be reviewed here.

The weird sex trifecta: a review

I have whiled away some time in the last few weeks reading a trilogy of books that offers a unique, perhaps slightly skewed, perspective on sexuality. I only realised mid way through the third one that I had completed some sort of beginners course in the sexual behaviour of the human being, which made me sit back and go 'Cor, we are dirty buggers!'. The three books that lead me to this conclusion were 'The lives of the English rakes' by Fergus Linnane; 'Snuff' by Chuck Palahniuk, and 'Candy Girl' by Diablo Cody. Understandably these three will inevetably lead to that conclusion, its not like I was reading 'Monogomy for beginners', but I really like the stinky underbelly presented in these books since it is closer to the reality than a lot of people would like to admit.

The Lives of the Enlish rakes by Fergus Linnane is a non-fiction account of the sexual misadventures of upper class English men, spanning from 1660 to the 1900s. Since I never studied history at school and have an extremely limited knowlege of the English history, I had to gloss over sections relating to things like Oliver Cromwell and some sort of civil war. I know this is a bad thing on my part, but it says something for the book that a complete cretin like me could be drawn in and held captively interested for the duration even though there were some bits that made me go 'eh?'. Anyway, so the definition of a rake is, as best as I can put it: a gentleman who drinks, womanises and enjoys life to the full - but there is something more to it, a sort of cavalier attitude that is immediately endearing and goes some way to explaining why even the most outrageous behaviour was only met with tuts from the court - of course, that is before Queen Victoria's time. Queen Victoria did for the rakes what MacDonalds has done to the fast food industry: eliminated all competative viewpoints until only the one (hers) exists. Her viewpoint happened to be something along the lines of 'sex is ikcy!'. Anyway, this book describes the depraved doings of these daredevil dandys cleverly and in such a way that you forget you are reading an historical documentation. I like how, on the surface, it seems like the role of the woman in the English court was to stand fanning yourself and saying 'Lah, sir!' coquettishly to the nearest fop; but when you get down to it a lot of the public opinion and policy decisions of the upper class men was dictated by the activities of their mistresses. Certainly these woman controlled the cash flow situtation with a lot of very wealthy men, and in so doing surely in some way shaped the future of the country.
Three powdered wigs.



The second book, 'Snuff' by Chuckles Palahniuk, is totally awesome. It follows a porn star, Cassie Wright, who is trying to break the 'most sex in a day' world record by doing 600 men in a day. The book follows three of the men who make up the 600; Mr 72, Mr 137 and Mr 600; while they are waiting backstage for their 1 minute of allotted time with Ms Wright. Most of the dialogue is internal as the three men interact minimally with each other until their number is called. There isn't much actual sex, however, its more like extended foreplay building up to the moment on film. There are some hilarious porn film names, for example 'Gropes or Wrath' and 'Chitty chitty gang bang', and a good deal of 'insider' info on the porn industry, which makes me respect Mr Palahniuk's ability to really get into a topic and research the poop out of it, weeding out all the dirty little secrets it would seem the industry would prefer to remain secret. Or actually, they probably wouldn't really care because what is clear from this book is that sex sells, it always has and in all probability it always will.
Five bleeding hearts!



And, bringing the sexual revolution to a close is the honest and frank portrayal of the stripping industry 'Candy Girl' by Diablo Cody. Diablo writes very well, she has a lot of the flair in this book that was so prominent in her screenplays - which first endeared her to me after all. The issue here is I might have a sliiiiightly biased point of view on strippers... Besides the point, maybe, but Diablo Cody's account didn't exactly endear me to the industry. I mean, I totally understand her motives for doing what she did, and you could argue that she wasn't hurting anyone anyway; but for some reason I just find the whole thing a little dirty, a little seedy and a little too eager to please - maybe because thats what a stripper seems to be, for me anyway. Personal distate aside, it's a very well written book and funny in places, and I must say that the costumes she wears sound very cool. Anyway, I am aware that this review marks me down as some sort of prude and I would like to assure the reader that I am, in fact, not. She can shake her downstairs and get dudes to put money between her boobies (yukky money germs) and if that makes her happy, so be it. Gotta say though: dudes, your idea of sexuality is pretty warped. I have to conclude that the male psyche is more weird than we gave them credit for to begin with. Ladies: you thought that a lap dance was bad, check out a 'bed dance' if you really wanna be grossed out. Yeah, yeah, prude, I know.

3 nice clean pine beds.

Fantasy

I love fanatasy. It is by far my most favorite book genre. The settings are vast and complex mixed with dragons, wizards, total domination and leather. There are never small problems in fantasy and there is no middle ground. A peace treaty can never fix anything, democracy has not yet been invented and war is just another day at the office. Here I describe my love and loathe of some of the common features to any fantasy book.

Geographically , fanatasy worlds consist of one continent and many, many islands. Isalnds are mainly reserved for magical places or prisons you see while the mainland is reserved for pillaging of villages and libraries. The only thing that bothers me with the geographical aspect of fantasy is that the tropics always get left out. Most worlds represent a large Europe or America and thus the landscapes represent this: mountains, woody forests, grasslands and glens. However, there is hardly a fantasy novel that includes a tropical rainforest, monkeys, heat or humidity. Always rain, grand oaks and a conveinient ring of elm trees that offer vital protection from wights.

In fantasy your only option is to walk and the thought of going to another country/town/city/super secret tomb via any other means is perposterous. Let us imagine for a moment that you are the protaganist, against your better judgement your crew decided to travel by horse. BAM! You are immediately a target. There is blood everywhere spewing from random decapitations occurred by both sides and mean men looking to rape or kill you or sell you into slavery. Also there are scouts looking for you, yes you! They know about you from the prophecy. And you know that old dude who found you? Well he totally told someone else about you! So now everyone is on your ass! Damn you for taking that chance on a horse! Once you’ve managed to narrowly escape death, you question this quest and realise how super alone and misunderstood you are. There is always a moment of self-doubt in fantasy. Either the character gets over it and assumes an attitude of resolve or the character is constantly looking for reasurance. “This burden is too heavy! I didn’t ask for it! Blah, blah, blah, weak, blah, not prepared blaaaaah.” This reasurrance is found in the love interest. “I think you’re great, you’re so strong and stuff!” Your love interest is so awesome. The way they move is always super sexy and their eyes, oh their eyes! So dreamy! So intense! Sigh.

I love that in fantasy books the love interest is always ionosphere hot, and the lead character always deems themselves to be subterrainian that is until the love interest spills how they are the most gorgeous/handsome thing ever in the world EVER! This is usually revealed near the end of the novel, or if you find that you’ve bought yourself a fantasy/erotic fiction book this happens right at the beginning so that there can be more time for sex throughout the novel. And the sex, oh the sex! It ranges from the completely bizarre to the ridiculous. I prefer “and they continued into the night.” I don’t need to know the intimates, I would have bought an erotice fiction if I had wanted them. I once had the misfortune to read a book that contained incest sex. Not fun. I don’t want to imagine first cousins doing it, but alas! I didn’t have to imagine, because I was told in such great detail that at times I felt like retching. One word : rimming.

In fantasy there is always a huge build up to the final battle! The battle that will take the tyrant down, that will right all the wrongs, which will appease the gods and make every single person in the world happy. This build up includes the characters that you like, dying and the lead character finding their true power (hooray!). The books that I love, that really stick with me, are the books that have the greatest battle scenes of all time. The characters just kick ass! In those novels, the authors know how to wrap you in and weave you through multiple happenings that lead to the final encounter with finesse. They never fail to dissapoint. Inevitebly there are other books that let you down. For example, the character finds the cure/button/book before the battle even starts or becomes so powerful just in time that nothing needs to happen (sort of like the end of Fable II – one punch!). The same thought always occurs to me, “dude, I just read 1000 pages to find that nothing happens, what the what? It’s not even ironic or poignant, just lame!”

Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocolypse

This book has both an amazing title and an amazing story! I brought it to the very first book club and it is still somewhere in circulation. (Well hopefully someone knows where it is.)

Written by Robert Rankin (What a hero with his Ray Gun, man I love the Internet) who writes tongue in cheek books like the Da-da-de-da-da Code and Raiders of the Lost Car Park, this book actually made me laugh out loud. And not a small grin or snigger, but oh did I chortle.

The book revolves around two characters. Jack who is a boy out to seek his fortune and Eddie Bear, a stuffed bear that belonged to a detective, now deceased.

First things first, when Jack begins his journey he meets a farmer, and falls into a hole. You must keep reading. My theory is that Rankin wrote the beginning of a story and the end of one, both of which contained people called Jack and then he just mushed the two together. It makes no sense and has no bearing on the story. In fact had the rest of the book not been so excellent it would have ruined it entirely. So remember: Farmer, hole, ignore and continue.

So after Jack gets out of his hole he meets Eddie in a bar in Toy Town, where there are more toys then humans, although humans have special status. All the nursery rhymes are actual people and the tale begins when the pair discover that Humpty Dumpty has been brutally murdered. They immediately embark on a whirlwind adventure trying to solve the murder before more famous characters die in horrible and twisted ways.

I am not going to spoil the book by giving you a blow by blow, but I will say that Rankin created an amazing world with realistic toy characters. Eddie laments the lack of opposable thumbs and when he drinks has to keep standing on his head so the alcohol drains out of his now drunk feet and back to his head. There are so many random elements that fill the book, down to the different religions of the toys and theories about what caused Humpty Dumptie's fall.

So if you like fantasy that is light hearted, funny and cleverly written this is for you. If animated toys freak you out then possibly not the book for you however I highly recommend it.

I give it 4 phallic carrots:

Why Books?

Well dinner, sex and men make sense. Add in a good dash of alcohol in the mix to make it all the more interesting and you have the average woman's get together. This of course is all done in lingerie whilst holding the ever present feather pillow in case a fight needs to be settled.

But why the books? Why not settle down to watch a good movie instead of a book? Less effort, much less time consuming and sometimes you get to watch a movie like 300, where countless amazingly toned men run around. On the flip side, you sometimes get to watch Billy Conolly take off his clothes in "The man who sued God". Blergh.

I'm not sure that I can explain to a book hater why books are possibly the most amazing things every invented (and this includes sliced bread by the way). The way that a book captures your imagination and allows you to create a world in your own mind that to you looks perfect is infinitely more appealing then watching Peter Jackson's version. And you can definitely not watch a movie in the bath or on a sun drenched beach,.

All in all, books are by far the cheapest method of both stimulating and entertaining your brain, allowing you to live a million different lives in a million different worlds and all for the price of a library card.

So in fact the question is rather: Why not books?

Savoury Cheese Muffins

Totally yummo, totally stolen recipe off some other blog (with slight modifications)!

Ingredients:

2 cups self raising flour (or 2 cups regular flour, 2 tsp baking powder)

2 eggs

1 cup milk

1 cup grated cheese

1/4 cup olive oil

1 level tbsp sugar

chopped chives/spring onions/regular onions

chilli flakes

1/2 tsp salt

Optional: bacon bits, spinach bits, feta cheese

Preheat oven to 180 degrees C.

Sift flour, set aside.

Grate cheese into cup, add to flour and add other dry ingredients (chilli flakes), mix well.

In another bowl, beat 2 eggs with sugar until frothy.

Stir in olive oil, milk and chives/onions.

Make a well in the flour mixture and add egg mixture until combined, but do not overmix.

Fill into cupcake liners (I use sillicone, reusable, non-stick liners) until 2/3 full.

Bake for 15-20 mins or until golden brown.

Garlic mustard sauce - drizzle over muffins like savoury icing!

1 tsp crushed garlic

1 tsp mustard (English preferably)

1 tbsp olive oil

1 tbsp lemon juice

3 tbsp mayonnaise

Cayenne pepper to taste

Mix well with a fork, until the sauce is smooth.

This is unbelievably good!